The Pull

I have started and stopped this post a million times.  This blog is my virtual scrapbook...something we will have to look back on...forever.

It is also a place where I can exercise my passion for writing.

Many times, in my life, I have also had an easier time writing my thoughts than expressing them verbally and that is what I am doing here.

The pull?  Motherhood. 

I am a Working Mom and a Stay At Home Mom at the same time.  Why?  I work for an incredible employer who understands balance and family life.  It has been one of the greatest gifts of all.  Truth be told though, over the last 10 years, I have worked for three of these employers which has allowed me to work from home part of the week.  That flexibility has made me feel like I am still present and I can kiss my girl when she gets on the bus and be here when she gets home.  It also means that the little one's mama is home during the day a few days per week.

It is never enough though.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel "the pull."  Every day for the last 10 years (well Monday through Friday), I have felt these two feelings...

1. "I am working too much.  I should step away from the phone and step away from the computer and go play Barbies for a half hour."

2. "I am not working hard enough.  I am not good enough.  I am not going to hit my numbers.  I will never be able to sustain our life here in this wonderful town."

It is a vicious cycle.  What makes matters worse is when I am volunteering at night (one of my much needed outlets and ways to give back), I have to endure my favorite phrase of all time (and when I say favorite I am being facetious), "I don't know how you do it."

Really?  Well neither do I...I just do.  I do what I need to do for my family.  Of course I would love to stay home and have play dates every day and craft with my littles and be able to go to the gym for hours while they are at school.  I would love to spend every day of the summer with them...at the beach...at the pool...but I can't. 

and you know what?  That's ok!  Of course, sometimes I let it get to me but most of the time, I know what I need to do and just do the best I can. I am driven to give my family the best life I can AND I am driven to be successful.  It is alot.  Yes.  I trust God, however, that I am at the right place and doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I guess Blind Faith has been my mantra all along. At work, when I was managing recruiters coming up, I would always tell them, "Do what you know is right.  The rest will fall into place." The ones who kept the faith and did the ethical thing, were the ones who ended up being the most successful.  When I look back on those I encountered who were shady, competitive in a mean-spirited way and greedy, they ended up miserable and searching for answers and meaning that they will never find.

I keep telling myself that same thing now. 

 "Have faith.  Do what you know is right. Set a good example for your girls and keep pushing on."

I would love your advice on how you balance it all.  When your little girl is asking you to play but you know you can't miss a minute of productivity for your job, how do you handle "the pull?"  I still try week after week and still fail always..but sometimes I feel little victories.

Like when we were in Storyland this summer...actually it was the day we were at Santa's Village.  I had a client asking me to do references on my candidate because they were "getting ready to make an offer."  Of course, this was one of two vacation days I took over the summer BUT when a client asks you for something, you jump!  It also meant a placement which I so desperately needed (it was 2017 remember- my worst year in 20 years in the industry-separate topic for a different day) I raced to get the references done...spotty reception up in the mountains and all and my client told me I would hear back from her later that day.  Well after racing to get that work done and enjoying the day of rides and games...lunch...laughs....I never got a call back.  Around 4pm, I called my client back and she said, "I am sorry it was a tough decision but we went with another candidate."  At that point, I thought we were on Candid Camera.  Seriously...no joke?

But I was talking about little victories right?  Yes...back to that.  Two weeks later, on a Sunday afternoon, as I was getting organized for the week ahead, that same client emailed me and asked me if my candidate was still available and interested.  The candidate they chose?  Backed out at the 11th hour.  I was ecstatic because I had been in touch with my candidate and she still wanted the job so bad.  I ended up making the placement so my work time at  Santa's Village did pay off.

Another victory?  On the mom side....just the other day, little Eva said to me, "I love the way you play with me every day, all the time."  I immediately welled up because that is not true but she felt it in her little heart.  It made me feel and believe that I am present and she feels me right there with her.

Blind Faith...Little Victories...Love....Drive...they keep me going...they help me to manage "the pull"...and I will forever strive to keep doing the best I can.  

I will also say that I am allowed to strive for a balanced life because of my husband.  The flexiblity with his job helps so much and when I am working crazy hours, he picks up all of the slack...breakfast..homework...driving.  I could not even devote the time to my career that I do today if it weren't for him.  As we say, we are a great team.  More importantly, we appreciate God's gift so we are able to manage it all.

I would, however, love to hear your thoughts on how you balance it all...I always gain inspiration and strength from your ideas and supportive words.  Until then, I will keep fighting the fight!  Thank you for listening....well reading ;)