Dear Diana (at almost 5!)

Dear Diana,

I was fine before you came along-fine.  If it was not in God's plan to bless me with any of my own children, I would've made do with my stepkiddos and career- seriously.

I was fine before you came along...really I was.

I could run out at a moment's notice to pick up a gallon of milk or grab a bite to eat with a friend.  I could take a three hour nap on a Sunday and totally sleep and relax.

Daddy and I could go out for romantic dinners...come home and talk loud and laugh loudly!!!

Then a little baby bird came into my life and turned it upside down.  I learned, very quickly, as they say, to live with my heart beating outside of my body.

I forced myself to sit up in my hospital bed...after hours of pushing and a rough c section....needed to feed you....and watched you open and close your mouth while trying to focus...just like a baby bird.

During your first year in this world, I had a constant lump in my throat and pain in my chest...as you constantly broke my heart and you made us worry because you were so so sick.  You are a fighter and a survivor, though, and I respect you so much because of your willingness and passion to live. I was fine before you came along; I never worried about bowel movements or ounces of liquid consumed or sleep patterns.

I also had not experienced such happiness as I did when you giggled and found joy in little things like the tickle of a blade of grass or Daddy snapping your picture....or the pure comfort you felt in a cool breeze in the park.

Like I said, I was fine before you came along. Fine but not complete.  I didn't know what it was like to be a child's first choice.  I didn't know what it was like to experience such fun in Mommy and Me Gymnastics Class or Daddy and me swim classes.  I didn't know the happiness I would find when I could call MY mom to receive the best advice and reassurance.  Who knew these things could be so fun and create the BEST memories?

Some of your first words sounded so precious on your lips....I will hear them in my head forever: Dada, Mama, Baawwll, Frower.

You were also the most active and busy baby on the block: swim classes at 6 months, gymnastics at 1 year, dance classes at 2 and later would come soccer (almost) and cheering. 

I learned what it was like to juggle activities and errands; even sitting you on a counter to buy lottery tickets one day; yes I get desperate sometimes. ;)

I have realized that having the luxury to run out at a minute's notice isn't as big of a deal as I once thought; I take much more pleasure in such things as you eating your fruits and veggies, learning your letters and numbers and when you draw me a beautiful picture for my office.

I was fine before you came along.  I didn't have to deal with meltdowns at the end of every play date or being begged for baby sisters and brothers.  I never had to worry about surprising anyone by doing the afternoon pre-k pick up...and never knew the joy of being wanted and needed so much either. 

I would've never had to get up at 4am to make sure I registered for Kindergarten in time....or travel to far off New England towns for ECE cheer competitions. I would have never had to deal with a toddler having a mad crush on her big brother's BFF or consoling that same toddler when her big sister left for college.  I was fine before you came along.

 

You make me cry when you understand that I have to work, even on the days when I am home with you.  I thoroughly enjoy listening to Kids Bop with you in the car (but I will never tell you that).  I love spoiling you with Happy Meals and trips to Target.  I love the way you look at me; the only time I have ever felt like a hero.  I love that when I look in your eyes, I see Daddy; the one true love of my life.  I love that you push me to my limits (not when I lose my cool but when you make me take action).  I love that you are a social butterfly; I love your nosiness; I love the passion you have for friends and people and your family.

I cannot even think about the day you leave for college because as I think you already know....I was fine before you came along- perfectly fine. I know, however, that I will never experience a greater joy than the joy and purpose you have given me.

So now?  I don't even remember what it was like before you came along; so you are stuck with me my baby bird.

I love you.

Love, Mama